Pregnant working mother + 2 year old= Catastrophe

So, last night was deceptive in its portrayal that it would be a fun, relaxing evening with friends. Oh, it was, and we had a blast over dinner while our kids played with each other- it was when we got home and hit the routine (the routine that I swear I’d go insane without, the routine that all the books tell me to use, the routine that apparently brings up every ounce of bile in Aubrey’s being…) that the evening took a turn for the worst, and continued well into this morning.

I don’t know why, but lately every single thing with Aubrey is a battle. From clenched teeth when it’s time to brush to throwing a banana at my head while I’m driving b/c she doesn’t want to go to school (more on that later, trust me), if it’s Mommy’s idea, it’s a terrible idea! I know this is just a taste of what I’ll deal with when she hits puberty, but I’d swear that kid had already needed the “seed becoming a flower, now you’re a woman” talk if I didn’t know that, at 2 ½, that’s basically impossible. Everyone tells me it’s her age, and I dunno, maybe it’s because I am, admittedly, a control freak… but I just think there HAS to be something I can do to remedy this situation. THERE. HAS. TO. BE. Right? 

I go through the options in my head… maybe I’m just taking everything personally because I’m pregnant, exhausted and bloated. Maybe she is learning all this crap from the kids at daycare. Maybe she really is going to turn out to be a mean kid. Maybe I just suck as a parent. That last one is the easiest to latch onto, as well as the most dangerous and destructive thing to believe. Because, you know what? Even if I DO suck at this whole parental thing, I can’t admit that to myself. I can’t because I’ll start to believe it, and if I start to believe it, Aubrey will pick up on it, and man if I thought that the spiteful emptying-of-the-entire-tp-roll-into-the-toilet thing was bad, I won’t have seen anything yet.

I’ve talked to several friends on Facebook about this, and it seems that anyone who has a kid this age or has been through it says the same thing- it’s a phase. While that is hard for me to accept because it basically means there’s nothing I can do about it, it is also a bit comforting that perhaps she isn’t acting this way because of something I’m doing wrong, it’s just a part of growing up and testing boundaries. I love my friends and appreciate their advice so much! One Facebook conversation gave me 3 different options to try when it comes to discipline and creating a rewards system. I know I can’t rush Aubrey’s development, but I want to shape her- that’s my job, isn’t it- into a good person who loves her neighbor. Maybe a tall order for a two year old, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Okay, so it’s storytime. Last night was a disaster in so many ways that it would really be surprising if it hadn’t carried over into this morning. There was the usual arguing, saying NO and crying if every single book in her basket was not read before bed. Once I got through that and she finally fell asleep, I cleaned up a little bit and crawled into bed. All of a sudden, I started itching like crazy. So I get up, turn the lights on, and look closely at my bed (I wish now I had noticed Stella furiously scratching herself over there on Ryan’s pillow), only to discover a bunch of black specks.

Putting two and two together, I determined that fleas must be the culprit and scoured the bed while my phone did a Google search. I found two fleas and killed them, then checked my phone to find out that those black specks were not fleas or their eggs (whew!), but flea poop. I’ll say that again, flea poop (EW!). I stripped the bed and washed everything in sight on scalding hot water. I threw the dog in the shower and probably burned her with the hottest bath she’s ever had. 

This entire time, Ryan is at the store and cooking for a sample presentation for a local cable company, so he couldn’t help me. I understood, because if he got this job for their Christmas party, it wasn’t going to matter that I might not get a bonus this year. It was still frustrating, and I still itched. Oh, I forgot to sprinkle into this tale that, being pregnant is really great and all (ahem), but I’m at that point where I have to pee at the mere mention of liquid. So all the washing going on wasn’t helping and I was stopping every 20 minutes b/c I just had to pee soooo bad, only to squeeze out a few drops (I told you this blog was going to morph into a typical mommy blog, which means you might learn more about me and what pregnancy does to your body than you really signed up for). It was infuriating. 

My Google search also told me to sprinkle my carpet with Borax, leave it overnight and vacuum it up in the morning. Luckily I had an entire box left over from when I made my own household cleaner, and I moved as much stuff off the floor as I could and dusted my entire house. Of course, when I got to the very last room, Ryan offered to help so I let him finish while I went pee again. Now, I was dreading this morning because Ryan would not be there to help me with Aubrey, and I knew the vacuum would probably wake her up. I try to get everything done and myself ready before I wake Aubrey up- it’s just less stressful that way. However, the threat of more fleas and their poop in my home was worth a terrible morning to me, and luckily Aubrey did not wake up until I woke her up. I pre-emptively updated my Facebook status to say it was going to be a good day… stupid. 

The usual fight ensued over which cartoon to watch, what shirt to wear, opening our mouth so mommy can brush the teeth, sitting still while mommy fixes the hair, etc. I finally got her ready, the car loaded and alarm set when Aubrey started crying b/c she was hungry. Being the decent human being that I am, I grabbed a banana and handed it to her. She proceeded to peel it and eat it. Halfway out the driveway she decides she doesn’t want the peel on it, so she was just holding the fruit. Right before we get out of the neighborhood, she begins to wail that it is making her hands sticky and she doesn’t want it anymore. I stop the car and try to convince her to throw it out the window then. 

Me: Aubrey, throw it out the window if you don’t want it.

A: No No Mommy! It’s sticky to my hands!

Me: THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW THEN

A: NOOOOOOO (wail, sob, end of the world).

Me: Okay, fine then. I’m driving now and you can deal with it bc I offered you a solution.

(enter projectile Banana aimed at Mommy’s heart but luckily landing in the center console, still scaring the bejesus out of Mommy nonetheless).

Me: AUBREY! NO! Mommy is driving! We don’t throw!

A: My hand is sticky! My hand is sticky! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Me: UGH! (throw slimy banana out the window)

A: I WANT MY BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAIL, SOB, MOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I got to daycare as fast as I could, told Debbie good luck and hightailed it to work.

And that, my friends, is why a pregnant, emotional woman who has to rush EVERYWHERE in her life plus a terrible two toddler equals catastrophe. I’m off to the house to douse the stupid dog in Advantix, spray my house and get ready for a work dinner at 6:30. Say a prayer for Nana and Papi as they pick the dear one up from daycare for me. 

NOTE: As I write this, I obviously add tones of humor and sarcasm as part of the story-telling, but honestly, I really, really want my sweet little girl back. There is such a hateful undertone to everything she says now, that even though I don’t necessarily care that she “doesn’t want to be my friend anymore” (fine, kid, I’m your mother, not your friend!), the way she says it makes me sad. I was telling Ryan last night that it’s not because I get hurt, it’s because I am envisioning her saying that to some little girl on the playground one day, and my worst nightmare will have come true- my kid will be THAT KID. The mean one. The bossy one. The manipulative one. I don’t want that for her- not just because it’s a reflection on me, but more so because being THAT KID won’t get her very far in life when it comes to successful relationships and positive impact on the world. If you pray for me, I need patience, wisdom and to be more effective in communicating to Aubrey what is acceptable and what isn’t. And, if it isn’t too much to ask, I’d like to spend our last months as a family of three having fun together, not spanking, fighting or going to the corner, ya know?

Typical Mommy Blog

It’s been a long time since I posted, and there is a very good reason for that. In case my mother’s, mother-in-law’s, or my Facebook updates haven’t informed you, I’m pregnant again! We are really excited and this whole experience has been really different from the one we had with Aubrey because it was planned. It is a lot less scary, I don’t worry as much and haven’t been obsessing on pregnancy websites due to heartburn

If you know me at all, you know that while I am Aubrey’s biggest fan, I am NOT a fan of being pregnant. Last time was hard because I worked in a very maternity-unfriendly environment with a lot of catty women. Legacy Bank is definitely not the place to work if you want people to care about you (or the person you are growing inside of you). I mean seriously, it’s monsooning out, I’m 8 months pregnant and wearing heels. Doesn’t seem THAT unreasonable to me to park by the front door just until it stops raining since I am scared to slip. Apparently that is a Problem, because, how dare you, we might have customers that need to park there! For the record, the branch I worked at was NEVER busy and the manager there is a jerk and a half. I worked there for almost two years and didn’t get a baby shower, visit at the hospital or a phone call. I’m still bitter at them for almost ruining my first experience as a pregnant woman, can you tell?

Anyways, besides all the ridiculous amounts of emotions that you deal with due to hormones (and rude women), being pregnant is hard on your body, especially if you are out of shape like I was. My back went out all the time and the heartburn felt like it was burning me alive from the inside. For all you kids out there who think you are in love and want a baby sooo bad, trust me, it’s worth the wait. No need to put yourself through this until you are absolutely ready for the 9 months of feeling like you got hit by a bus (not a little daycare bus, like, a double decker, tour-of-New-York-City bus). I’m just sayin…

Those memories were all still fresh in my mind when Ryan started talking about having another baby this past summer. I was adamantly against it, I had my plan (that we wouldn’t even start trying until Aubrey was potty trained, or that she would be an only child) and I wasn’t budging. Until, of course, one Saturday in July after hanging out in the nursery with another little girl from church and her new baby sister, Aubrey declared to me on the ride home that she “wanted a baby like Emma’s”. Can you say melting heart? How cute. So I began to think about everything- the timing, our finances, Aubrey’s age, etc. and started to become more open to the idea.

Ryan was excited and I went off of birth control on Labor Day. I have no idea how far along I am, only that the last negative test I took was sometime the first week of September. I started feeling like utter and total crap soon after that and on October 4th, I took another test and the blue plus sign showed up immediately! Amazing how breathtaking pee can be, given the right circumstances, am I right?

After sharing the news with Ryan and Aubrey, we had a family prayer and thanked God for the blessing growing inside. I was excited but it didn’t feel real yet. We told our family and friends the next day and that seems to have been the end of the hoopla. Sometimes, on those blessed occasions that I don’t want to keel over from exhaustion or the sight of meat makes me want to hurl, I even forget that I am pregnant. Then, of course, Baby Parker senses my relief and decides to let me know Who’s In Charge and sends a wave of general crappiness through my entire body and I’m like, hey, little guy/girl, I’m on YOUR side! CALM IT DOWN. Kid already doesn’t listen to me. Sheesh.

We had a blog for our experience with Aubrey, but due to some random, creepy internet people, I deleted it. I want to remember this experience as well, so I am sure that over the course of the next 7 months or so, my blog will turn into a typical mommy blog, one where some women will want to slap me and tell me to shut up, and others will nod, laugh and say “OH honey, I know just how you feel!”.

Even though I am one of those women who HATES being pregnant, I am SO excited about this new life growing in me and at the new dimension he/she will add to our family. So here I will chronicle my bouts with morning (all day) sickness, why pickles taste so good, how to survive on zero energy, and the torture known as Heartburn that will plague the last 2-3 months of this journey. Any mother (and perhaps non-mothers as well) knows that it is all worth it, though, so thanks for taking the journey with me.

But seriously, the next Parker is sooo going to be adopted.

Restoration of Civility

I posted this over on The Mommy Chronicles, but I wanted to share here as well and get your thoughts.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but Aubrey gets stuck on a book for months before she’ll let me read her a new one at bedtime. It’s been The Bernstein Bears Learn Their Manners since about June now, and honestly, I’d like to take Mama Bear’s Politeness Plan and run over it with my car.

I find it funny that I am so irritated with a book that has such a good message, especially when I’ve used it to teach Aubrey some semblance of manners (thank God she hasn’t really picked up on my road rage yet). I’m sure part of it is that my brain is more developed than my 2-yr-old’s, and part of it is that I am a typical, busy, working American mom. Unfortunately, the busyness of my life is something that I haven’t managed to completely compartmentalize. It oozes into other parts of my life, and where it’s okay to rush to 7-11, swipe my credit card and fill my gas tank in 5 minutes with no human interaction, it’s a different story when people and my to-do list collide.

Recent events have brought to light what we probably knew all along- that people are rude, they will do and say what they want, and feel completely justified in their hissy fits if things don’t go the way they want. From Kanye West’s now infamous rant during Taylor Swift’s stolen moment at the MTV Video Music Awards, to Joe Wilson disrespecting the highest office in our country to the disgruntled Walmart customer, we want what we want, we want it now, and we are entitled to it, dang it!

With role models like these out there, it is up to us as parents to show our children not only the proper way to behave, but the right way of seeing people. If we are Christians, we have an added responsibility to not only see people as people, but to see people as beloved children of God.

Part of the problem is our culture and the way that convenient consumerism has enhanced our productivity while tearing down our relationships, and part of the problem, for me at least, is that I am just so darn impatient! Do I really need to honk my horn as much as I do? I blame the way I drive on the fact that I learned to drive in Mexico City (quick stats: population 30 million, time it takes to drive from one end of the city to another: 2 hours and 45 minutes… you have to be cutthroat on the road or you’re done for), but honestly, that is no excuse, because now I live in Yukon, Oklahoma where the busiest intersection is only that way because it is a major truck stop off of I-40.

I have this mindset when I’m driving that everyone else is an idiot, that they don’t see me or that they should know that people who want to speed (er…ahem…like me) NEED that left lane, so if you are going to go the speed limit, MOVE OVER! It’s like me against everyone else, it’s a fight, it’s a race to get to where I need to be. Add a squealing toddler to the backseat (I want juice! I want my book! I want everything that is too far away for Mommy to safely reach back, grab and hand to me! And if she DOES take the risk, I will throw all those cheerios to the ground because I.WANT.A.SUCKER!!! Waaaaahhhh!) and it makes for one nervous wreck of a mother. My lack of civility on the road robs me of time I could be interacting with Aubrey, singing songs, or enjoying the journey instead of taking the destination for granted. Maybe the Cheerios in my hair wouldn’t piss me off so much if I was paying more attention to what my daughter needed than checking as many things off my list in the shortest amount of time possible.

Now that you think I’m officially the Worst Mother Ever, may I present a redeeming quality? I want to be better. I want Aubrey to see what I do and mimick it and have people comment on what a little lady she is. I want more observations from daycare like I got the other day: “Aubrey is so polite. She always says ‘please’ and ‘thank-you’”. That was awesome to read, and I know that I must be doing something right when I see things like that. We do always make her say please if she wants something, and thank-you after we give it to her, but I want the lessons to go beyond her being able to get what she wants with magic words.

Do we only say please and thank-you because we want something? Because we want people to think we are a certain way? Or do we do it out of sincerity, out of the understanding of The Golden Rule? It’s probably a little bit of both, but I think it has more to do with respect than anything. Ryan and I realized one day that we never said those things to each other and that Aubrey was going to start picking up on it, so we made it a point to be more polite to each other. While it was something we started for Aubrey, it turned into true appreciation for what the other did and ended up enhancing our relationship.

How do we go against the grain of incivility in our culture? How do we teach our children to “mind their manners”? If you’ve been paying attention at all, you’ll be able to answer along with me that it will only get through if we become living examples for those little eyes and ears. I could give you a list of things kid should do to be polite, but you probably know them all.

The best way to teach our children how to be polite, functioning members of society is to be that ourselves. We must be polite to our spouses, our parents, our children, their teachers, and most especially strangers. Don’t discriminate. Everyone deserves to be treated like a decent human being, and as Christians we don’t get the luxury of writing someone off because we don’t like them. We don’t have to be best pals, but we are to see them rightly- as someone that Christ loves and died for just as much as He did for you. With eternity in mind, how can we not try to be a little more civil to those around us?

I was recently reading Michelle Duggar’s blog and admired the way she gets her kids to be the best that they are- through praise! It seems that by praising them when they do something right and taking the time to see and recognize those things works better than always telling them “no”. That woman has 18 perfectly behaved children, and she hasn’t lost her mind, so I am going to try out her method with Aubrey and see how it works. It’s so easy to tear down and let ourselves be torn down (we do it to ourselves most of the time), that I can really see how positive reinforcement would be more effective with kids.

Finally, we need to pray for our children. There are so many things I worry about with Aubrey that if I let myself dwell on them all, I’d lock us all in the house and consider releasing her into the real world when she’s 35. I can’t protect her from people’s rudeness, and even if I banned MTV from our house, she’d probably find some sort of pop star to look up to. What I can do is give her tools to combat the rudeness (pray for them, perhaps?) and establish steady role models that she’ll really respect (hopefully her father and I will fall into that category).

Live it out for them to see, praise their efforts and pray for them. In this world of “me, me, me” and “now, now, now”, it seems to be the best way to approach raising little ladies and gentlemen. What about you? Do you have any fun ways you taught your kids manners? What did they respond to?

For now, I suppose I’ll spare The Bernstein Bears their destruction by Versa for a few more days. After all, Mama Bear has been around a lot longer than I have… she must know a thing or two.

It’s Not Yours!

A couple of weeks ago I was participating in a discussion regarding money, people and treating both rightly. I was new to the particular group of people talking about it, so I didn’t speak up as much as I wanted to, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about ever since, so I’ll share my thoughts here (by the way, this discussion did not occur at my home church, Divine Life).

 The discussion was about evangelizing people and what church is supposed to be for those who are either tired of church or who have been hurt by it. One of the points the speaker made was that they will know that what we have is different by the way we treat them. Our love, kindness and seeing them for who they are instead of what they can do for us will set us apart. We were then encouraged to do at least one random act of kindness and to do it anonymously within the next couple of weeks. 

I was surprised at how many people had a hard time grasping this concept, especially after all the publicity that the “Pay it Forward” movement at Starbucks got last Christmas. (If you aren’t familiar with it, a person in the drive thru at Starbucks decided to pay for drinks in the car behind him. He pays, drives off and when the next car pulled up to their free drinks, they decided to pass it on and pay for the person behind them. This started a chain of people “paying it forward” for an entire afternoon). Maybe it is in my nature to buy gifts for people, but I loooove doing stuff like that! Especially when it’s anonymous and for a total stranger. You never know when you can turn someone’s day around with something like that. 

At one point when discussing ways to bless people, one lady piped up and said (very honestly, I must add) that she didn’t want to do it, because it was her money and she had worked hard for it. I don’t know if she was saying that to get a discussion going or to generalize or if she really does feel that way, but I found it very disturbing. We are talking about a cup of coffee, not a steak dinner (which was another thing she hoped God wouldn’t “make” her buy for someone). It doesn’t really require a lot of sacrifice, and it is the attitude behind the act that will please or displease God. This was where I bit my tongue (b/c honestly, I was pretty irritated at her for it) but I wish I had shared with her what God has taught me about stewardship, possessions, money… even my child. 

It has been a three year journey, and I in no way have “arrived”, but to sum it up: IT’S NOT MINE. 

The only reason I have anything- a job, a house, a car, an education, a savings account, my family, my life- is because God has given it to me. He allows me to breathe and live. He has given me possessions so that I may be a good steward over them. I have an added responsibility to use and nurture them wisely, because I am a Christian. Just as you’d be extra careful borrowing your dad’s brand new car, we tend to be more cautious with things that we know are not ours.

 My house should be used as a place of nurturing and fellowship… my car should take me to places where I can be a blessing… my education should equip me to interact wisely with people…my savings account should enable me to meet a need when I see one…my family should be cherished because they are God’s children…my life should reflect the truth of eternity. I fail at all of these many, many times, but it is something I am now constantly aware of and try to live out genuinely.

 Let me go back to the savings account for a minute. When Ryan and I got married, the plan was to wait 5 years to have kids, save money and work and then I’d be a stay-at-home-mom. 2 years later we had a perfect little baby girl, no money in savings and plenty of debt on 4 different credit cards. You might be wondering how we let ourselves get to that point. Good question. It was poor planning, greed, and a general abuse of the things God had blessed us with. Yet instead of turning to the Lord for help, we tried to help ourselves. I wasn’t working and Ryan was picking up extra catering jobs. It felt very frantic, and there was always something looming- “Well, if we can just pay down this credit card, I’ll calm down. If we could just get $1000 in our savings account, I’ll feel secure”.

 I eventually ended up going back to work, and of course the extra income made it possible to pay off our credit cards and start saving again.  But the Lord really worked on us through those hard times, because we started to realize that nothing WE do will take away that feeling of something just not being “right” about the whole situation. Sure, we have to do our part with planning, budgeting and cutting up credit cards, but we also have to allow God to work on our perspective. I will never again let money own me, I will care about it only for what it can do for people. The savings account is not supposed to be your “safety net”. Yes, it makes me feel more secure knowing that if I lost my job today we could pay the bills for awhile, but that’s not why we contribute to it every paycheck. The savings account is there so that when we are made aware of a need, God can meet it through our willingness to obey him.

 It’s not mine. It’s His. And you know what? As soon as we realized this and started living it out, Ryan got a ton of catering jobs and we will more than surpass our “goal” for the number by the end of October. Don’t hear what I am not saying: none of this is to say how great we are, but to say how great GOD is in what He has taught us about caring for His people. 

This perspective can be applied to anything. I have a lot of inner struggles with myself as a mother. I am constantly worrying that Aubrey is not eating the best she could be, or getting enough sleep, or wondering why she throws fits and says “no” all the time (note to self: um, she’s TWO, that’s why!). One thing that really reels me back in with my concerns for her is to understand that she is not mine. She is God’s daughter, and He has entrusted her to my care for her life here on earth. I cannot be with her every second of every day, I have to trust and pray that God holds her in His Hands. She is HIS child, not mine. That is so liberating and exciting! It doesn’t let me off the hook when it comes to parenting, discipline, and proper care, but it does allow me to enjoy her and let her be who God has created her to be without constantly controlling every detail (even though, if you know me at all, that is something I fight every day). 

One of my dearest friends is about to adopt a baby. I see this concept playing out before my eyes with her choice to adopt: that God would give life to my friend with this new baby in mind. That her life situations, experiences and relationship with God would bring her and her husband to a meeting point with this baby, whom God has also led and created for their care. That she can love and anticipate someone she has never met is a testament to her faith and obedience in the Lord, and that she can trust that no matter how this child comes to her, she will be Jesus in their life is so beautiful it makes me cry. That baby is NOT hers, literally, but it will be given to her (after a TON of hard work, paperwork, and planning) and she will care for God’s child as if she had birthed it from her own body. Awesome!

 Stewardship applies to everything in our life. We have to make wise decisions about our time, money and resources so that we are able to maximize our positive impact on the lost in this world. Keeping an eternal perspective is difficult, because it isn’t something we can totally grasp, but it is something that can make what we are called to do make more sense.

 So yes, save your money. And yes, give to charity! And for Pete’s sake, TITHE (because like I said, it was God’s money in the first place). Bathe your kids, make them eat their veggies, kiss your husband/wife, clean your house and don’t use credit cards. Use your money to bless others, buy them a latte, and enjoy your family and friends. Through our obedience to God and what He has called us to, the cares of money and responsibility will slowly turn into blessings, and when we are challenged to give beyond what we imagined, we will be able to.

 IT’S NOT MINE. And that’s just the way I’d like to keep it.

 “Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel.  It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness”.  ~Henrik Ibsen

Viva Chile!

I haven’t lived in Chile for 9 years now, but since my Dad is from Chile, I wanted to start a tradition for Aubrey on Chile’s Independence Day. I decided to make a typical Chilean food, empanadas de pino. After browsing a few recipes, I settled on this one and got cooking.

First, I cooked up some onions in extra virgin olive oil and butter.

Then I added cumin, Paprika, garlic powder and a beef bullion cube.

I combined all of this with 2 pounds of ground beef and browned it, then I let it simmer for about 8 minutes.

Afterwards, I started on the dough. If you want to cheat, you can get those refrigerated crescent rolls and use that instead. I combined flour, sugar, salt, shortening, butter and water. I kneaded it by hand for about 10 minutes, then let it sit for 30 minutes. Then I rolled it into golf ball size pieces.

I rolled them out and filled them with the meat, then lined the edges with some water so it would stick when I folded them over. I brushed the top with egg yolk and milk, then put them in the oven at 350 for 30 minutes.

The last two pictures are before and after. 

I’m not that great at making Chilean food, but these turned out really well and now my house smells like Chile! My parents came down from Tulsa tonight and all I have to say is if my Dad was impressed, I succeeded! It was fun and I can’t wait to teach Aubrey how to make these, maybe next year she’ll be able to learn. Feliz Dia de Independencia, Chile! You will always be a part of me.

Change is in the air

It’s been awhile since I have written about my life as of late, so I thought it was time for another update. I honestly thought before this summer that this week would begin a new journey for me- teaching. I got an interview and turned in countless resumes, but nothing panned out. The interesting thing about that is, I’m okay with it. I have kind of taken it as a sign, like I am supposed to stay right where I am for now and teaching may be something I do down the road, but for now, it isn’t something I’m going to pursue. There are so many other things going on that I am kind of relieved that my routine is going to stay basically the same, so God knows what he is doing and he holds my life in his hands!

WORK- General Conference is over, yay! Things are still up in the air a little, but I am grateful that I still have a job and that my responsibilities and requirements will pretty much stay the same. This really has been a great place to work and I am glad that I can stay. I do have a new boss, whom I haven’t seen much, but he is really nice and I think it’s going to be great working for him. No complaints about work, except that, of course, I have to work Everyone knows I’d be much more fulfilled staying home, raising Aubrey instead of sending her to daycare. At the same time, I know that this season will be worth it someday and I am trying to remind myself every day to have hope that my days hold purpose.

AUBREY- about 3 weeks ago, Aubrey’s daycare provider informed me that she would be closing her facility(a licensed home daycare). I was really sad about this for several reasons, but the main one was that I knew that Aubrey really loved her babysitter and the babysitter loved Aubrey like her own. I never worried or felt bad leaving her there, and she prayed every night for her friends there. It was a rough couple of days, but even in that frustration and sadness (once again, I beat myself up for not being able to quit working and just stay home altogether), God worked everything out. The timing was perfect to get her into a different home daycre, very close to my house, and it is run by the President of the Home Daycare Association. This lady is amazing- our pediatrician’s eyes got so big when Ryan informed her of the change, and she said “How did you manage THAT?!”. The new caregiver does pre-school curriculum and turned her garage into a classroom. Aubrey has done really well there, and is responding to potty training already! Every morning is still really hard (we’ve been there for about 2 weeks now) as Aubrey is figuring out that this is a permanent deal, and she cries a lot… but once she gets used to it, it’s going to be so beneficial for her. She talks about her teacher and the other kids the whole car ride home and I can tell that once she gets over me leaving in the morning, she has a blast. She’s talking up a storm and stealing our hearts more and more every day.

MARRIAGE- Ryan and I are doing great. Pastoring a small group as well as the Singles at Divine Life has been a wonderful, team-building experience for us. I am really grateful to have such a wonderful man of God leading our home. We have been doing some counseling and it has been SO GREAT for us! I have come to the conclusion that couples need counseling at least twice (preventatively): before they get married and before they have kids. Its been a blessing to work out issues together, be creative together and to get on the same page about everything from household chores to when we’ll have our next kid! I recommend it to all married couples, even if nothing is wrong, persay, its just nice to be able to lay it all out every once in awhile.

CHURCH- like I said before, pastoring has been wonderful for us. We are excited to see what God is speaking to Divine Life and happy to be a part of serving Him. The church is doing great- in fact, tonight we launch our youth group and next month we’ll install a children’s pastor! I think God for bringing the right people into our body at the right time to serve others. It’s never easy, but always worth it.

We went to Las Vegas at the end of June and it was a lot of fun- very cool that we got to go with friends and while it was exhausting, it was a much needed getaway for us. We got back the night before Aubrey turned 2- the whole family came out to our house for a BBQ on June 28th and Aubrey enjoyed her Nemo party (she’s obssessed with that crazy fish!). I also got my garden planted and growing, but a bug of some sort attacked my cucumbers and green beans. I have had an amazing harvest of banana and jalapeño peppers and herbs though. My tomatoes are finally acting like they are going to give me something this week, and last week I discovered the cutest little watermelons forming in the watermelon patch. It was a lot of work and fun, but I think I’ll scale it back next year. Ryan got the backyard done and Aubrey’s swingset up and she loves that thing. I think she could swing all day if we let her!

Well, I think I’ve covered my whole life other than the dog, who still resents Aubrey and somehow manages to take up our whole bed every night, leaving Ryan and I curled up into opposite corners. If you are someone who prays for me, please pray for peace and contentment. I want to be effective and not slumped in self-pity, which I tend to do with feeling like I’m not living my full purpose right now. I know my time will come. I am also really working on prayer. I was never really one to pray a lot, especially out loud, and pastoring has definetly shown me that I need to get over that. More than that, I have a powerful tool at my fingertips and I need to use it! Know that I make an effort every day to pray for you if you pop into my head, but I covet your prayers as well!

I’ve had a great summer but I’m ready for fall- pumpkin decor, hayrides and apple cider candles! Life is good- I don’t deserve it but I’m thankful to God that he’s given it to me. Enjoy the rest of summer, then it’s time to copy Hobby Lobby and bust out the Christmas decor!

The Unforgiven III

It’s no secret I love Metallica, and it’s mostly for the musical side of it (and James Hetfield is oh so pretty!), but for some reason I am starting to pay more attention to the lyrics and am putting this one on repeat today… so tragic and beautiful. My favorite line is “How can I be lost, when I’ve got nowhere to go?”. In a way, it has me wondering how we can apply this idea to the gospel and those without hope… Just thought I’d share.

The Unforgiven III (from the Death Magnetic album)

How could he know
This new dawn’s light
Would change his life forever?

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he’s feeling

He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He’ll just sail on

How can I be lost,
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

These days drift on
Inside a fog
It’s thick and suffocating

His sinking life
Outside it’s hell
Inside, intoxication

He’s run aground
Like his life
Water much too shallow

Slipping fast
Down with his ship
Fading in the shadows

Now a castaway
They’ve all gone away
They’ve gone away

How can I be lost
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me
Why can’t I forgive me?

(Solo)

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

How could he know
This new dawn’s light
Would change his life forever?

How can I be lost,
If I’ve got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it’s got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
So how can I blame you
When it’s me I can’t forgive?

Funny Friday

If you’ve ever had to endure the air travel system in the United States, you’ll get a kick out of this.

Only in America…

My mother is probably the only other person who will appreciate this list, but I’m sharing it anyway. Not growing up in The States gave me a broader perspective of the world, and while there are things I LOVED about ex-pat living, coming home was always the highlight of my year. Enjoy!

 -        Sno cone stands

-        Sonic happy hour

-        ice cream trucks

-        Carrie Underwood

-        Taco Bueno

-        DR. PEPPER! And Doritos that don’t cost $9 a bag

-        access to good education

-        the fact that if you work hard and treat people right, you can make it, and the fact that you made it doesn’t have to make you a different person.

-        The fact that you can better other people’s lives by enriching your own.

-        The fact that we are free to be what we are- and others are free to disagree or criticize you for it.

-        Bath and Body Works

-     drinking out of a water fountain without getting diarrhea for a week.

-     Thanksgiving turkeys that don’t taste like fish (and for that matter, Thanksgiving at all!).

-     Cold Christmases

-     Fireworks on the lake on our Independence Day.

-     Good health care.

-     Access to my own vehicle, sparing me from a sweltering bus ride, standing up next to a woman who has never shaved her armpits in her LIFE, whose only safety measure for this mode of transportation is to hold the bar above her head.

-     The fact that no one here celebrates their anniversary by hiring a mariachi band to “serenade” them the entire time the sun is sleeping, aka ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

-     The fact that policemen are really there to protect the people, and aren’t just out to get as much bribe money as possible, including personal checks (which my mother wrote to a policeman TWICE in Mexico- and they cashed them!).

-     Air conditioning

-     fabric softener

-     Country music

 This world of ours is full of wonderful people and beautiful places. I found all of these and more in every country I have lived in or visited. I found that no matter where you go, it’s the people that matter the most… but anytime I encountered something like real Doritos or heard Shania Twain on the radio, I’d get a whiff of home, and a picture of the people I loved who were still there.

 The list goes on, and I’d love to hear from you.  What are some of the things you love about being in America/typical American fare?

Loving America

 Most people would nod their head and agree with me if I said to them, “If they hear it enough, most people believe what they constantly hear about and tell themselves, don’t they?”. Self-talk has gotten me through some very difficult times in my life, and while it is not a permanent fix, it can be a great tool for setting your thinking in the right direction. It was not until I was 24 years old that I realized that people will always be flawed, and that in order to put my faith into something rock-solid and true, I would have to start believing what God said about me more than what my peers, parents, co-workers and even my self said about me. That was such a liberating epiphany, and to this day it provides confidence and gratitude beyond what I could conjure up on my own.

I have been wondering a lot lately if that same principle can be applied to things other than human beings. After all, if I am truly to believe that God loves all creation, then I have to believe what He says about it all, not just people. I often feel very alone and frustrated in my love for my country. The 4^th of July is my second favorite holiday after Christmas, and I am one of those who gets goose bumps during every national anthem I hear and tend to cry when I watch fireworks. Red, White and Blue make me warm and fuzzy inside and seeing a bald eagle is still awe-inspiring. I buy a new flag every year for my house (stupid Oklahoma wind always tears them up) and know that while Ryan rolls his eyes at me for it, he secretly enjoys putting it out for me every summer.

Have you ever noticed (and hated yourself for it) that we tend to treat those we love the most the worst sometimes? Why is that? I think one of the reasons is that we love too hard. We love to control things and we put a lot of effort and energy into molding our lives into what we think it should be. When we love something so much and they don’t respond the way we think they should, or return our love as fiercely, or even turn their backs on us, that is when we snap the hardest, don’t you think? I can totally see myself down the road when Aubrey is a teenager reacting this way to her (although I will try not to and hope you all hold me accountable to that). My biggest disappointments will come when she doesn’t behave as a lady should (I really, really, really don’t want her to be who I was as a teenager), or when I realize that I failed to teach her something vital, or when she chooses a path that is different than the one I would have chosen. And how could I not? She is a part of me. Someone once said that motherhood is so scary because you constantly have your heart walking around outside of you. 

It is for this very reason that I think people love to hate America. She has not turned out to be quite what she was created to be, and for this reason, her people are disappointed, disillusioned and, at least from what I see in my circles, ready to give up on her. I am not one of those Christians who believe that America is blessed of God more than any other nation. I cannot explain to you why we have so many “blessings” (conveniences) while a country full of people that God has to love just as much as us, like Darfur, is plagued by civil war, rape, murder and starvation. But I do believe that I can have purpose and opportunity to help people in a country like Darfur precisely because I live in America. 

My only relief to the guilt that can rise up every time I read the news is that while I do feel blessed to live here, I in no way deserve it more than anyone else. I have an added responsibility to care for my neighbor. Decisions I make every day that can seem so small, like where my coffee comes from, can ultimately affect people in other countries who don’t have the options that I do. I also have the hope that in the end, God will set all of the injustices of the world right, and true heaven on earth will come not from mansions in the sky and eternal praise and worship, but from a truly perfect earth with a truly Just ruler. 

So, who is wrong? The person who loves too hard or the person who hates too hard? If they both have the same outcome, does it really matter? Our country turns 233 years old this weekend. As the people responsible for shaping and molding her, do we criticize her so much because she is not what we think she should be? At some level, we are all at fault for the state of her existence today. But instead of getting mad or constantly berating her, shouldn’t we take a look at ourselves? After all, that is something that is great about this country- the ability to change our circumstances. The American Dream shouldn’t be about getting a big house, car, or having a bunch of “stuff”. The American Dream is something that we can all live out- the fact that if you work hard and live nobly, you can create a good life for yourself and your family, and hopefully have some sort of positive eternal impact on this earth and your neighbor. My own family is a living example of this. Next time you want to put down your homeland, why don’t you take a look at yourself first? You might just see that your problem is not the country you live in, but the people and decisions you surround yourself with. 

I love poetry. I see poetry in things I read or in songs I hear. Take a moment to read this song as a poem, and to realize that while she has her faults, America is still a beautiful place. She is a result of the wonderful creativity of our God, a pursuit of pilgrims who would give their lives for the freedom to proclaim the good news and a dream of many for a better life.

America the Beautiful / Words by Katharine Lee Bates, Melody by Samuel Ward
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
O beautiful for pilgrim feet
Whose stern impassioned stress
A thoroughfare of freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God mend thine every flaw,
Confirm thy soul in self-control,
Thy liberty in law!
O beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife.
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America!
May God thy gold refine
Till all success be nobleness
And every gain divine!
O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
O beautiful for halcyon skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the enameled plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till souls wax fair as earth and air
And music-hearted sea!
O beautiful for pilgrims feet,
Whose stem impassioned stress
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Across the wilderness!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till paths be wrought through
wilds of thought
By pilgrim foot and knee!
O beautiful for glory-tale
Of liberating strife
When once and twice,
for man’s avail
Men lavished precious life!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till selfish gain no longer stain
The banner of the free!
O beautiful for patriot dream
That sees beyond the years
Thine alabaster cities gleam
Undimmed by human tears!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
Till nobler men keep once again
Thy whiter jubilee!

My favorite line is “Till selfish gain no longer stain the banner of the free”. It is irresponsible to neglect the opportunities this land has given us. It is self-destructive to merely sit there and pick apart all that is wrong with this country we belong to. There is a way to embrace America while promoting and portraying the bigger picture of what we are to become as Christians. Being a Christian in America may be more convenient, but it is not easier and we still face the challenge of living in this world while not being of it. 

I’d like to ask you to quit whining about this country. Like a beaten woman who starts to believe the lies she’s told every day, America is slowly becoming what we say about her. One day she will wake up and realize how far she is from her roots and her purpose, and the blame will rest squarely on our abusive heads. Build her up and love her while correcting the waywardness of her path. No one has ever blossomed into what their true purpose is from constant nagging, beating and misplaced appreciation. Think what she might become if we sang the words above to her and she actually started to believe them!