Lent has been packed with new beginnings for me. I can’t say that I stuck to my diets, at all. First I decided to give up meat but then realized that I was only eating pasta and bread- not great for all the work I’ve done at the gym since new year’s. So I changed to no carbs. Unfortunately I have no self control so I failed miserably at that as well. One other thing I vowed to do and have been pretty consistent with is prayer. I will admit to anyone that before Lent, I was not a person who prayed, and I still have a LONG way to go. I hate praying out loud because I feel awkward. Ryan always prays such beautiful prayers and I feel like I will never be that eloquent. I also tend to get distracted really easily. I know these are not excuses and becoming a pastor at Divine Life has made me realize that, like it or not, I am in ministry now and I might need to pray ever so often.
So, I ordered some Anglican prayer beads off of Etsy, dug out my “Praying with Beads” book and every night before I went to bed, I’d pray my rosary. If you want to know more about the Anglican rosary is, click here. You may think this all sounds very ritualistic and it probably is, but for me, I had to have that discipline to begin with. The book is a great guide because I didn’t quite know where to start. I started off just reading the prayers for each week (The prayer beads are made up of twenty-eight beads divided into four groups of seven called weeks. In the Judeo-Christian tradition the number seven represents spiritual perfection and completion. Between each week is a single bead, called a cruciform bead as the four beads form a cross. The invitatory bead between the cross and the wheel of beads brings the total to thirty-three, the number of years in Jesus’ earthly life) and when I got to the end I’d go to bed. But something happened along the way- I decided to dedicate the last week to personal prayers. I found myself praying for Aubrey, for my dad’s job, for my marriage, for my co-workers… and I realized that this praying thing is more like conversation than anything. It has been wonderful to come to the realization that God is here with me, that he CARES, that he loves me and that I have access to that.
My diet failed miserably, but Lent has held more growth for me this year than ever before. It was more than “meatless Fridays”. I have been broken and in that brokenness, understood that I have not taken God seriously. It’s a strange balance between realizing how Holy and Awesome He is and feeling Him embrace and love me. I want to be reverent towards Him while, at the same time, running into His arms as His child. I have made some decisions regarding how I will express this reverence in my worship as well as letting go of some inhibitions that were in place for my own comfort zone, instead of true honor to God.
I feel like I have only scratched the surface on these revelations. I also feel like they are so childlike, and I can’t believe it’s taken me 27 years to understand the importance of prayer and study. Becoming a pastor has pushed me to prepare every week for Wednesday night, to pay more attention on Sunday nights, to be open to conversations with people and to actually seek God instead of just letting “church” happen to me. I am excited for what is to come- if this is but a shadow, I can hardly contain the anticipation of what I will learn and become in the days ahead.
Easter is always a special time of year for me. Like Christmas, it always drives home the significance of what Christ has done for us. It boggles the mind when I sit down and reflect on it. On good Friday, I feel the pain of what Jesus’ mother must have felt as he went through the Stations of the Cross. On Holy Saturday I reflect on the despair that must have been felt by those who loved him and had placed all of their hopes for Messiah in Him. And on Easter Sunday, well, I feel the joy and hope that comes from knowing that death did not win!
This past Sunday the worship team introduced me to this song. It is simple but powerful. The chorus doesn’t have a lot of words, but the ones it contains really drive home the truth of this season- HE LOVES US! Why else would the Creator of the Universe come into this earth in a most undignified and unusual way, to live an ordinary life followed by 3 years of ministry, and then a horrific and humiliating death? The only answer is “He loves us, oh, how he loves us”! If I can understand one thing, it would be this. Life might not be what I dreamed it to be. Bad things may happen, good things may happen. But one thing is always constant and that is what Christ has done for not only me, but the whole world.
Lent may be over, but my newfound disciplines will continue the work that God has started in my life through it. Easter will come and go with its lacy baby dresses and Easter baskets, but the truth of my salvation will always be there. I’ll end with a quote I found today:
“Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there.” –Clarence W. Hall
HE IS RISEN!
That is awesome Jess! What insight you have gain through your journey!
Jessica,
thank you for sharing this. I’m moved by what you have said. I think some of the things you mentioned are struggles/sins of mine as well. This has made me more hopeful that I can learn and grow and be purged of this. Again, thank you.
Peace