A sleep-deprived plea for advice…

So for the past 3-4 weeks Miss Cat has decided that she doesn’t want to sleep at night. She usually wakes up at 12, 2 and 6. Ryan and I have been taking turns getting up with her, checking her diaper, feeding her and rocking her back to sleep. But she will still wake up 2 hours later, just screaming. This has gone on and on and it is really wearing on us. Ryan gets up at 5:45 every day to do breakfast at the school and I get up at 6 in order to get myself ready, feed and dress Aubrey, take her to daycare and get to work by 8. I am normally good with the morning routine, and I usually get to work right on time if not a little early. The past week or so I have been lagging because we haven’t been sleeping. Its hard to get into that restful state of sleep when you are jolted awake every two hours by a piercing scream. I have stopped using the monitor because I would get up at every little noise. I have tried feeding her more later at night, I have tried putting cereal in the bottle at night, I have tried keeping her up later, I have tried reducing her naptime (well I asked the babysitter to do this during the day… 3 hour naps seemed like a little much, I dunno, is it?)… I feel like I have tried everything!

Everything, that is, but letting her cry. We are both guilty of not wanting to do this. It really is heartbreaking and I don’t know if any of you have seen Aubrey cry, but she has the biggest crocodile tears you have ever seen. Its pitiful. Well last night after getting up three times, number 4 had us very irritated. We stumbled out of bed and tried to shoosh her. She proceeded to try to crawl out of her crib and wailed so much she started sounding hoarse. I got her some water in her cup which she threw across the room. She was holding her little arms up to me just wanting me to pick her up. But before I could, Ryan told me he would take care of her and that I should go to bed. He talked to her but didn’t pick her up and the crying was too much. I started crying. She finally fell asleep after about 15 minutes and woke up again at 6:45, so at least I got to get ready for work.

What am I doing wrong? Why can’t she just sleep? She’s gotta be exhausted, I googled some stuff and it said she is supposed to be getting 13-14 hours of sleep a day. She got 7 very disjointed hours last night plus a 2 hour nap during the day. But if I let her sleep too long during the day she won’t go to sleep until 10 or 11, and that just won’t do because Mama has to work, unfortunately.

I feel so guilty for letting her cry, I feel so guilty that she is even crying in the first place. Like, if I stayed home with her she would be more secure in knowing that I am here, I am not going anywhere, don’t be scared, and her life would be so much more uninterrupted. I hate having to work. I hate having to pay someone else to take care of my child. I hate it that she is jumbled around so much. I hate it that I can’t be a good housewife and mom and instead sit on my butt in front of a stupid computer all day while someone else is playing DHS-approved games with my kid.

Internet, please help me. Maybe there is something I haven’t tried. Or maybe I need to start buying lottery tickets so we can afford for me to stay home. Or maybe I need to get over my built-in need for mommy-ness and just deal with the fact that we can’t live on one paycheck. I hate not feeling like I can do this well, I hate vowing never to have another kid because I can’t even deal with what I juggle right now. I hate falling asleep at my desk and I hate not having energy to take my daughter on a walk when I get home from work.

Any advice?

Well, thanks Nazi trainer. You kept me from getting attacked.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my trainer at the gym right after work, but I got a really bad headache before I left. I had planned on going straight home and rescheduling, but Ryan said I should go, that it might help my headache to work out, so I went. She was really tough on me! My arms are really sore today. Anyways, I am glad I did, because when I got home I saw that the door leading to the garage from the house was wide open and my dog Stella was standing in the middle of the garage.

 

 

Exasperated, I pulled in and figured that Ryan might not have shut it hard enough and the wind might have blown it open. I walked into the house and saw that the back door leading to the back yard was open, and then I got REALLY irritated with him! I proceeded to shut and lock the doors, get Aubrey out of her carseat and play with her in the living room when I noticed that the lights in our bedroom were on. You all know that I am BIG on “If you aren’t USING them, turn the lights off!” and it actually goes beyond going green, it’s a moral conviction for me. So you can imagine how much more irritated I became when I assumed my husband had left all the lights on this morning. He got home and I proceeded to reprimand him for leaving the doors open and the lights on and he was very confused, knowing that he has made an extra effort to conserve energy.

 

I decided to go take a shower and that’s when I noticed that my closet had been completely ripped apart. I asked Ryan if he had been looking for anything and he said no, and came back and that’s when he noticed that his closet had been ripped apart and that his gun safe had been tampered with. He had 3 guns stolen. Those were the only things missing. I had several things that would have been annoying to lose, but no other rooms had been tampered with.

So, naturally, we started freaking out a little bit. I called the police but apparently yesterday the warm weather made everyone want to beat their wives and shoot each other because the cops had a lot of calls and he did not arrive until 9 pm. In the meantime we didn’t touch anything and talked to the neighbors, one of which said he had been home since 2 working on his garden and didn’t see anything weird. He also said his truck had been broken into several times, and instead of taking money or a credit card that was in there, they took a clipboard and tools. He thinks it’s a bunch of teenagers that live down the street. Which, if that’s the case, I am wondering what kind of teen would go straight for the guns and not the computer or ipod, so please pray that they will not use them for violence. But the other option is that we had someone work on our garage door about a month ago, someone who would know how to get into the garage, when we aren’t home, and had tools. If a regular truck had pulled up, opened the garage with a remote, the neighbor wouldn’t have thought anything of it. We’re looking into it.

 

The cop dusted for prints and examined the doors. No prints, no sign of forced entry. He informed us that if you go up and down your street and push your own garage door opener, it will inevitably open other people’s garage doors. I never lock the door from the house to the garage bc I normally have the carseat and a diaper bag. They probably got in that way, and when they heard me get home, they ran out the back door and that’s why that one was open. I am SO GLAD I went to the gym after work. So, if you don’t lock that door in your own home, it might be wise to start. I know I did this morning AND we are getting the locks changed.

 

I am very grateful that we don’t have to deal with identity theft- that would be a nightmare. But it disturbs me that these people apparently knew Ryan had guns and went specifically for them. Either they got lucky, going straight to the master bedroom or they did it on purpose. I know not everyone agrees with hunting for sport, but I always felt a little more secure in my home, knowing that if someone did break in while we were home, Ryan could protect us. Now the very things meant to protect are gone, and hopefully only for profit and not violence. Hunting to Ryan is so much more than killing and animal and using it for food- it represents his introduction to, love and respect for nature and wildlife, as well as wonderful bonding moments with his father, grandfather and friends.

 

Needless to say, we are changing the locks today and getting a security system with cameras this weekend. Please pray that I can stop being scared to go to my own home soon! And that they get caught. If they sell them to a pawn shop anywhere in America, it will show up on a system and its pretty likely that any justice remaining in this situation will be had. Its just that, they took more than stuff, you know? They took my sense of a safe home away.

 

(Oh, and I apologized profusely to Ryan for yelling at him about the lights )

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sad today…

So yesterday I get to Aubrey’s daycare to pick her up and she is sitting in the floor crying while the babysitter is vaccuming. I don’t care that she was taking care of a household chore, I used to have to vaccum while Aubrey entertained herself as well. But about 2 months ago Aubrey developed a fear of the vaccum cleaner which is why she was crying.

Anyways, I hated seeing my little girl with tears streaming down her face. My heart kind of broke, like I should be the one vaccuming because I truly want to be a stay at home mom. As soon as the babysitter turned off the vaccum to come say hi to me, Aubrey stopped crying, so I should have gotten over it. But I have been depressed ever since. Work has been good for the family, getting out of debt, less pressure on Ryan, etc. But omg, I hate having to do it. I am so lucky that I like my job. If I didn’t have a kid this whole thing would be ideal.

But the only time in my entire life that I have felt like I was living my purpose was the seven months that I got to be a SAHM. I guess some people go through life never feeling fulfilled so I should be grateful for the seven months that I was. But I miss my baby, and I’m probably gonna cry about it all day, so there’s your warning!